


Headmistress Frost Is A Jerk!

by seriousfic



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:39:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5528015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seriousfic/pseuds/seriousfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In comics fandom, Emma Frost’s crimes are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Serious Crimes Unit. These are their stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Headmistress Frost Is A Jerk!

  
The X-Men piled into the headquarters of the Serious Crimes Unit. Kitty was the most put-off, having missed her soap operas so they could fulfill the newest amendment to the SHRA bill. “What is it der Fuhrer wants again?”  
  
“All of us to wear tiny miniskirts?” Emma suggested.  
  
Scott scowled at her, having a dislike for crossover in-jokes ever since Logan had worn a Superman costume for Halloween and hit on Jean. “Director Stark wants to provide accountability, so our backgrounds are going to be reviewed for criminal acts.”  
  
Emma hated that part. “And we do community service? I hate community service. It’s so hard to dress for.”  
  
“I have some old clothes I could loan you,” Kitty said, mock-nicely.  
  
Elektra walked up to the group.   
  
“Elektra?” Jean said. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“Marvel didn’t have anything else to do with my character. I still have it better than Captain Marvel. Mr. Summers, we’ll be seeing you first.”  
  
Scott looked frantically at Emma.  
  
“Even I’m surprised,” Emma said.  
  
“You left your wife and child, Mr. Summers?”  
  
“Well, yeah… but she was only a clone!”  
  
“Hey, that’s cloneism!” Peter Parker said. “I resent that!”  
  
“Spider-Man? What’re you doing here?”  
  
“Apparently, deals with the devil are illegal. I think that’s a clear violation of the separation of church and state.”  
  
“I agree,” Matt Murdock said, “and I’m taking his case.”  
  
“Daredevil? What’re you doing here?”  
  
“Ran a red light.”  
  
***  
  
Tony Stark tapped his fingers together as he regarded Scott. “So, you’ve been divorced from Madeline Pryor for how long?”  
  
“I didn’t divorce her. She turned into a supervillain and tried to suck New York into hell.”  
  
“So it was irreconcilable differences?”  
  
Scott looked hard at Tony.  
  
“Have you made any alimony payments?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Child support?”  
  
“My son went into the future, then came back as the mutant savior Cable.”  
  
“So that’s a no on the child support.”  
  
***  
  
“You look disappointed,” Emma said, flipping through a glossy magazine which she pretended to read while really trying to get a rise out of Kitty.   
  
“Seeing your comeuppance is worth waiting for.”  
  
The door opened and Scott filed out.  
  
“Maybe you won’t have to wait that long.”  
  
Elektra followed Scott out. “Miss Grey, we’ll be seeing you now.”  
  
“Me?” Jean repeated, looking over at Emma. “What about her?”  
  
“Did she eat a sun and destroy an entire civilization?”  
  
Jean got up and went with Elektra.  
  
***  
  
Tony Stark looked at his file on Jean. “You say it wasn’t your fault, the Phoenix made you do it? Your own daughter?”  
  
“No, the Phoenix is a cosmic force that possessed both me and my daughter.”  
  
“Ah, I did that one weekend in Nice.”  
  
“You look very good for a woman who’s had a daughter,” Captain America said quickly.  
  
“She’s actually my daughter from an alternate future. I was never actually pregnant.”  
  
“If only we had told Jessica Alba about this,” Tony mused. “Okay, so when you committed genocide, you were being mind-controlled.”  
  
“Actually, it wasn’t even me,” Jean said. “It was a clone.”  
  
“Oh, Madeline Pryor?”  
  
“No, a different clone. And you know, the only people in that civilization were Brussel sprouts.”  
  
“You know, there was a bombing in Brussels last night,” Tony said. “You just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut, do you?”  
  
***  
  
Kitty was staring harder and harder at Emma. “We all know that in the end, you’re going to turn out to be the skankiest, evilest X-Man.”  
  
Emma crossed her fingers.  
  
Elektra walked in. “Marie D'Ancanto?”  
  
“Anna Marie,” Rogue corrected.  
  
“Cherie, you told me your name was Anna Raven!”  
  
“And yet you keep calling me ‘cherie’.”  
  
“Just be glad I’m not calling you ‘Rouge’ like all the students.”  
  
***  
  
Tony stroked his goatee. “You know, maybe after I find you innocent on all charges, we can go out for a drink…”  
  
“If you touched me, your life force would be sucked out through your skin until you were a desiccated husk.”  
  
Tony blinked. “Emily Blunt told me the same thing. So, Ms. Marvel says that you stole her powers?”  
  
“I felt really bad about it.”  
  
“Then you abandoned your boyfriend in the Arctic Circle?”  
  
“I was angry at him! You’re allowed to hurt your loved ones when you’re angry at them!”  
  
***  
  
As soon as Elektra walked out to call the next X-Man, Kitty raised her hand. “Ooh! Ooh!”  
  
Elektra said “Are you waiting for me to call on you?”  
  
Kitty lowered her hand sheepishly, then pointed at Emma. “She tortured people!”  
  
“Big deal,” the Punisher said. “I torture people all the time. It’s okay so long as they’re bad guys.”  
  
“How do you know if they’re bad guys?”  
  
“They do bad things. Like torture people.”  
  
“Then clearly Emma must be a good guy!” Marc Guggenheim piped up.  
  
Elektra took a deep breath before pointing at Wolverine. “You. Did you kill Northstar?”  
  
“He got better,” Logan grumbled. “And I was mind-controlled.”  
  
Elektra nodded. “Normally, we’d give you a waiver since you were mind-controlled, but he is gay, which makes what you did a hate crime.”  
  
“Hate crime? He’s the only flamin’ gay on the team!”  
  
“Flaming?”  
  
“I only say that because I can’t say fucking!”  
  
The X-Men gasped. Marc Guggenheim crossed himself. The Punisher fainted dead away.  
  
Then Tony Stark himself walked out of the office. “Did someone say the eff-dash-dash-dash word?”  
  
Kitty pointed at Logan.  
  
“You know the rules!” Tony crossed his arms. “Graphic violence and brutal rape are okay, so long as we don’t say naughty words! Come with me!”  
  
***  
  
“You’re not really going to give me community service, just for saying the F-word?”   
  
“You’ll probably just do a little time in a MAX series,” Captain America said comfortingly.  
  
“What really concerns us more are your sidekicks,” Tony said. “Kitty Pryde, Jubilee, Hisako Ichiki, Angel Salvadore…”  
  
“What’s your point?”  
  
“We found this file on your hard drive.” Tony pressed play on his laptop.  
  
 _“I’m the best there is at what I do… and what I do is going to be our little secret, because no one would believe you if you talked about it.”_  
  
“…I want a lawyer, bub.”  
  
***  
  
Kitty gestured to Storm. “See? She is what an X-Man should be like.”  
  
Storm sat there, looking regal.  
  
“Not me?” Emma said innocently. “But I have style.”  
  
“What does style count for? You’re a hateful, amoral bitch.”  
  
Elektra came in and pointed at Storm.  
  
“Storm, queen of the wind?” Storm asked. “What is your accusation against me?”  
  
Elektra held up a Polaroid. In it, Storm wore tattered leather, and her hair was done up in a mohawk. “Crimes against fashion.”  
  
“I can give you some fashion tips when you get out,” Emma offered to Storm’s back, smiling sweetly.  
  
***  
  
“So, you’re married to T’Challa?” Tony asked.  
  
“Yes.” Storm smiled and touched her wedding ring. “I’ve been in love with him since I lost my virginity to him at the age of twelve.”  
  
“I don’t need to hear that!” Tony cried.  
  
“I could stand to hear a little more,” Logan said.  
  
“And when you married the Black Panther, did you sign a pre-nuptial agreement?”  
  
“No. Wakandans have no need for pre-nups, due to their advanced morality.”  
  
“So, Mrs… Challa, if T’Challa were to die, you would get all of his vast fortune?”  
  
“I love him!”  
  
“How long have you even known him?”  
  
Ororo frowned. “The mistress of the elements requests a lawyer!”  
  
***  
  
“I would just like to point out,” Kitty said when Elektra returned, “that Emma has had sex with a married man.”  
  
“This is Washington D.C. With that kind of pedigree, she could run for office and still be morally superior to anyone the other party put up. Erik Lensharr?”  
  
Magneto stood up. “Actually, it’s Max Eisenhardt. And sometimes Xorn. Except when it’s not.”  
  
“Magneto,” Elektra said with a long-suffering sigh. “You have a lot of litter to pick up.”  
  
“But I crossed time zones as I flew here. Technically, I’m an hour younger. Can this new, younger man really be held responsible for the crimes of the old one?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Bah! I reject your homo _stupidus_ rules and substitute my own! Homo superior!” Magneto yelled as he shuffled off.  
  
“We’ll be sending you a bill in the mail,” Elektra said. “Charles Xavier?”  
  
“They were all retcons!”  
  
***  
  
“He’s right, Tony,” Captain America said. “We can’t hold him responsible for retcons and shitty writing.”  
  
“Riiiight,” Tony said, tugging at his collar.  
  
“So, will you be letting me go?” Xavier said smugly, folding his hands together.  
  
Tony walked around Xavier’s wheelchair. “Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on what you’re not telling me.”  
  
“I have nothing to hide.”  
  
“Oh no? Why would a man with nothing to hide… PRETEND TO BE HANDICAPPED!?” With lightning speed, he grabbed Xavier’s wheelchair and dumped him out of it. Xavier screamed and rolled down the stairs.  
  
Steve looked down the staircase. “He’s… not moving, Tony.”  
  
Tony‘s eyes slanted from side to side. “…Thank god I defeated that dangerous Skrull.”   
  
“That was no Skrull, Tony!” Steve said.  
  
Tony sat down at his desk. He took out a bottle of Colt .45. And then a Colt .45. “You never could shut up, could you Steve?”   
  
***  
  
The X-Men heard a loud bang, then Tony poked his head out of his office. “Elektra, could you make me an appointment with Bucky? And send in the next reprobate.”  
  
“Right. Pryde, Kitty?”  
  
Kitty gasped. “Me!? What’ve I ever done?”  
  
“No one likes a tattletale.”  
  
Kitty pulled hard on her hair. “Emma Frost is… is… is… antifeminist! Just look at her! She brazenly displays her own sexuality! She doesn’t conform to society’s standards at all! She’s not maternal or… or… or… nice!”  
  
“Does that make her antifeminist… or a great feminist?” Tony mused. “The best feminist of the year, in fact.”  
  
Balloons and ticker tape began falling from the ceiling, along with a banner that read “FEMINIST OF THE YEAR 2008.” Last year’s winner, She-Hulk, came out to present Emma with a rather nice scarf (as a crown was too reinforcing of negative stereotypes) and Stephanie Brown cursed her rotten luck.  
  
“This is Emma’s fifth nomination and first win,” Tony said over the applause of the crowd. He exchanged air-kisses with Emma, then backed up as she took the podium. Kitty pinched herself to try to wake up.  
  
“I don’t know what to say,” Emma said, clutching her very nice scarf. “I’d like to thank Scott for thinking I was beautiful, even when Frank Quitely was drawing me.”  
  
“I love her for her mind,” Scott said, wiping his tears away. “Her sexy, sexy mind…”  
  
“I’d like to thank the Ghost of Jean Grey, for making Scott kiss me on top of her grave.”  
  
The Ghost of Jean Grey said nothing, but rattled her chains graciously.  
  
“And I’d like to thank Kitty, for always believing in me.”  
  
“I thought you were a cold, malignant bitch,” Kitty said, getting in Emma’s face.  
  
“Yes, thank you! I’d really like to… thank you…”  
  
“You’re… welcome…” Kitty said, as they slowly moved in for a kiss…  
  
***  
  
“AAAAAAAAAAH!”  
  
Kitty came awake, screaming.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
Kitty looked around. She was in bed. Everything was alright. She wiped the cold sweat from her brow. “I had a… a horrible dream. The Doctor and Donna were facing the Dalek Empire, so Donna became a Time Lord to help the Doctor, but then the Doctor had to erase all her memories of him to save her life while she screamed out for him to stop. And then I woke up from that dream, and Emma was being crowned feminist of the year! And then she kissed me!”  
  
“Mmm.” Rachel rolled over and petted Kitty’s arm. “Should I be jealous?”  
  
“AAAAAAAAAA—wait, this actually isn’t that bad. Wanna mess around?”  
  
***  
  
Colossus came awake, screaming.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Kitty asked. “Oh, eww, now we have to change the sheets…”  
  
“Sorry, kitya. It was this strange dream I had. First, someone named the Doctor was fighting these weird rolling pepper pots with a woman named Donna…”  
  
“Hey, can’t it wait till morning?” Kitty rolled over and petted his arm. “We’re wasting prime ‘messing-around’ time, my Russian beary-weary-wear.”  
  
***  
  
“AAAAAAAAAAH!”  
  
Ultimate Colossus came awake, screaming.  
  
“I had the most horrible dream!”  
  
“So did I,” Pete Wisdom said, rolling over and petting his arm. “This crackfic kept going on and on, well after the joke had stopped being funny, and the readers kept wishing that the story would just


End file.
